I just want to put my boot up someone’s ass like this afternoon when I caught my neighbor trying to stealth a cable run across my house. She is a succubus and quite probably is devil spawn kin to Raoul, the previous tenant. And just in case you haven’t been following along and would like to learn a little bit more about my less than delightful ex-neighbor, please see the posts ‘Almost went to jail tonight’ or ‘Playing basketball with Raoul’.

What she intended to do with the cable was anybody’s best guess. Was she intending to splice it to my cable? Or someone else? I didn’t recognize the cable type so her nefarious plan as I said, was anybody’s guess. When I got home the crafty old bitch was on her front deck keeping an eye out for me so I ended up spending 20 impossibly long minutes (that would have been better spent at lunch) going through a series of questions just trying to find out why in the hell there was a cable dangling down the front of my house landing in my carport.

I asked her who ran the cable. Telmex? Si, Telmex. Who is it for? What is it for? Telephone was her reply. Whose telephone? Her reply included lot’s of words that I didn’t understand and names of people that I didn’t know. Okay, whatever. But why is it at my house? She replied with another long liturgy of stuff that made no sense at all. Finally, she picked up a cable tool (dead giveaway) and waved it in her hand and asked me angrily if I just wanted to ‘cut the madre chingada’? (bad words that roughly translates to motherf***er). It was definitely a King Solomon moment so I said, ‘yeah, cut it’, which she did, yanking the pieces of cable over to her house all the meanwhile giving me the stink eye.

I am so simple minded that I always assume that there is a valid, honest answer for every situation and never presume criminal intent. Case in point being the time I got to the office early and saw someone walking out the front door with a $300 adding machine. This was 1980 and I thought it was just one of the guys in the shop taking it. I was still half asleep so I was going to ignore it but for whatever reason asked in a bullshit voice, ‘Where are you going with that thing’? The guy surprised me by turning around and carrying it back into the office all the meanwhile entreating me not to call the police. Yeah, the shop was on the bad side of town but who would have thought that a junkie would be bold enough to steal office equipment in broad daylight?

So while I readily admit to my naivete I also have a huge impatience problem anytime it takes me more than 3 minutes to figure out who’s doing what to who. Like a month ago when one of my other neighbors dropped by for a long winded visit spending close to a half an hour on the preamble when it finally turned out that what he really wanted was to splice his power cable into mine and that ‘he’d pay me every month’ like I was the electrical authority. Yeah, right.

Little by little I got him to explain what he wanted. So you want to run a cable? Fine. You want to run it in front of my house? Fine. What kind of cable? A power cable? Fine. Why a power cable? Whatever, okay, fine. But you need a power meter. He pointed at my meter. I said, ‘yeah, just like that one’. More words and elaborate sentences filled my ears with angry buzzing noises until I finally lost my temper and asked the old bastard why we were talking about this; just run your cable already! Why do you need me? By the time I finally grasped that it was my meter and my power that he wanted my blood pressure had spiked to dangerously high cornea shattering levels.

Some days…